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Larry’s Locks of the Week – NFL Week 5

Written by Larry Von Feitzel

October 11, 2020

Listen close guys and gals, I fucking hate corona. So much. It’s fucking ridiculous how much of a dumpster fire the NFL is right now. The Pats are out here faking tests last week so the Chiefs don’t have film on them but now the whole building is coughing up a storm. The Titans still have corona some how after completely fucking my fantasy team (still won last week btw), and now I’m going in to a Sunday and I’m not able to bet on the Bills. And of course the god damn Jets needed to get involved. God what a dumpster fire they are. Do the have rona? Do they not? Who knows with that sorry franchise. And of course the board fucking blows today the only slight favorite is the Texans, everyone else is a huge favorite for some reason (please ignore my ignoring of the Panthers Falcons, the game is irrelevant). I’m lost in the wood work with all there rona cases I don’t know what left from my right. All this shit aside, its Sunday there’s football on, there’s money to be made.

Here’s my picks for the week look good and look hard:

  • Texans -5.5 v Jags: Don’t let yourself trick yourself into betting on the jags for this one. Yeah they’re playing pretty well but they’re still the Jags and Deshaun Watson is gonna light them up because he is an ELECTRIC FACTORY!!!!
  • Cardinals -7 at Jets: This one is tough. The Cardinals are up in the air for me they should be a good team but so should the 9ers. Not only did the Cards fail to cover last week but the LOST TO THE LIONS of all teams. THE LIONS ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? But the jets are still the jets so hammer the cards this week.
  • 49ers -7.5 v Dolphins: The 9ers are very disappointing team this year….. is what they want you to think. They are still the defending NFC champs. They’re slowly becoming healthy after the injury bus crashed into their facility killing 30 people. Now that Porn Star Jimmy is back and has Deebo back cooking fools, they’re a sure fire lock for the next couple weeks.
  • Cowboys -7.5 v Giants: This is the easiest bet of my life. Everyone is down on the cowboys right now because they lost to a good browns team but not me. The still Cowboys have a great offense and the Giants stink without Saquon. Don’t over think this one Hammer Cowboys.
  • Vikings +6.5 at Seahawks: I already talked about this game the other day so I’ll keep this one short and sweet. RAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLL THE VIKINGS!!!!!!!!! Put everything you own and your mother on the Vikings tonight! The Seahawks are a very good team but their defense stinks to high heaven and the Vikings have one of the hottest offenses in the UNIVERSE! Rail them rail them rail them rail them. Kirk Cousins is gonna come out of the grave like the undertaker tonight with his tin foil steaks, prove to everyone that he’s not afraid of no virus, and hand the ball to Dalvin Cook. He’s so elusive there is nothing that gum chewing prick Pete Carol can do to stop the Skol boat.


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