The Masters are upon us! I don’t watch much golf, but I do watch the Masters! Every year! The azaleas are just beautiful. What? The azaleas aren’t even in bloom this time of year?? Fuck that! I’m out bro. Might as well be at the Waste Management Open (side note: that tournament is a fucking banger). So, just as I watch the Masters every year, so do I partake in a Masters betting pool every year. And I’m here to breakdown my picks. Warning: I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. The Masters is like the only golf tournament I watch… I lose every year.
Ok, so the pool we use is Easy Office Pools and it’s a simple, yet reliable site. Been using it for years now. God bless those office workers. It’s a straight forward process to complete the pool. There are 6 tiers and you pick 1 golfer per tier to represent your team. Let’s take a look shall we?
Above are tiers 1-5 in the pool, I specifically left out Tier 6 because it’s a list the size of Nick Foles’ penis and full of insignificant golfers. Don’t worry, I’ll include my Tier 6 pick below. Let’s dissect:
Tier 1: Bryson DeChambeau – aka Mr. Break the Course aka Thiccc Boy aka Douchebag. I hate this guy, but he has arms the size of Nick Foles’ penis and can drive the ball 600 yards, so I’m gonna pick him. Is he super strong or just super fat? Who knows, maybe both.
Tier 2: Brooks Koepka – this guy is the fucking man. I love everything about him. His looks, his personality, his attitude. If you could measure the size of charisma, his charisma would be the size of Nick Foles’ penis. I would’ve picked him over Bryson if he was in the Tier 1 spot. He’s just such a bro. Love listening to his interviews on Pardon My Take. So, I’m rooting for him above all other golfers.
Tier 3: Justin Rose – gotta throw the Brit in here. He’s never won the Masters before but has come in 2nd twice. Maybe this year is his year. Either way, I love his name. Rose is such a great last name. Fucking redcoat.
Tier 4: Jason Day – here comes the Aussie! When I saw Jason Day for the first time, I had no idea he was Australian. He does not look Australian. But then he talked and I was like holy shit. Just like Justin, Jason has never won the Masters but came in 2nd back in 2011. But the accent is fantastic! LETS PUTA NOTHA SHRIMP ON DA BAHBIE!
Tier 5: Phil Mickelson – the lefty degenerate gambler. He’s a legend in the sport and I picked him for sheer brand value. He’s already won 3 Masters, so let’s make it 4. Fun fact: Phil has never won a U.S. Open but has tied 6 times! It’s the only major tournament he hasn’t won yet.
Tier 6: Brandt Snedeker – like I said earlier, this tier was full of no names and amateurs. I picked Brandt because I actually recognized his name. His best finish at the Masters was like a decade ago and he came in 3rd place. So… yeah, he kinda looks like a dork too. I just hope he survives the first round.
So those are my picks! I will not win, but I like throwing money in the trash so it’s all good. Peace out pleebs.
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