I just got done watching the Raiders throw their season away to the Dolphins. As a diehard Ravens fan, I was rooting for the Raiders because if the Dolphins lost, the Ravens would control their own destiny to make the playoffs. Watching Jon Gruden kneel on 3rd and Goal to kick a field goal instead of SCORING A GODDAMN TOUCHDOWN was infuriating. But hey, there were only a few seconds left. Surely, the Raiders could hold off the Dolphins, who were out of timeouts. FUCKING WRONG! One blown coverage play and a face mask penalty later, the Dolphins kick the game winning field goal and end the Raiders season. And maybe the Ravens as well…
As i watched the Raiders laughably fail in the final seconds of the game, a thought dawned on me: I should be making money off my misery. Yes, the old art of emotional hedging. If the Ravens aren’t going to make the playoffs, then I’m sure as shit gonna make some money. I wish I’d thought of this BEFORE the Dolphins game, but you can’t expect me to be THAT smart.
So here it goes. For the Ravens to make the playoffs, they need to win their last 2 games (Giants in Week 16 and Bengals in Week 17). Let’s assume that’s a given and we finish the season with an 11-5 record. That MIGHT NOT BE GOOD ENOUGH. The following also needs to happen:
Week 16: The Dolphins, Browns, or Colts need to lose. The Dolphins already won thanks to Gruden’s fucking kindergarten play calling. So that leaves the Browns (-7) vs the Jets and the Colts (+1.5) vs the Steelers. I’m going to parlay them both to win, which comes out at +173 odds (via DraftKings). If I lose this bet, well great! That means the Ravens are now in control and will make the playoffs. If not, I’ll win a lot of money. And guess what, I’ll fucking do it again for Week 17!
Unfortunately, Week 17 odds aren’t out yet on DraftKings. But, if the Browns AND Colts win their games, I’ll be placing a MASSIVE parlay on the Dolphins, Browns, and Colts next week. If the Ravens aren’t making the playoffs, I’m at least going to be rich.
Featured image via Pittsburgh Post Gazette
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